I'm

broken

so many times!

Have days in which I fall in the darkest pits and lose all hope. Murakami's well seems to be a bright perspective. He can still see a corner of the sky. Maybe a star. His meditation spot looks like an inner refuge while during those days I don't have one. Then I am bitter or angry or hypersensitive.
I am entitled to feel all these. They are my emotions and I am a human being. But sometimes, they are overwhelming.

And then, one or two days later, when my own well of tears is dry, I get up. I smile and feel stronger. I feel a sort of twinkling energy inside me and say to myself that no matter what that day will bring I am still alive. I might not be perfectly healthy, not have a family of my own, be stressed at work, tired, but I am alive. I am still here. And beat that if you can! I might fall again, this I know, but I rather see it a series of battles. And I fight each battle each day. Not all days are equal. But each day makes me stronger. I have left so many things behind that if I look back I only see disappearing footprints in the sand.

I have a copybook of dreams in which I put pictures of the things I want, I draw when I am sad. I listen to music, I talk to God through prayers. I try.
I am well aware that my way might not be the way of others, and I know now that my solution is simply MY solution, my patch.
I got up smiling today.
And I am going to reward myself with a slice of cake today.